Why I Write Series – The Last E in I.M.M.E.R.S.E. M.E. Entertain

I write to Entertain??  Welcome to the last post in my I.M.M.E.R.S.E M.E. 9 Reasons Why I Write Series!  You can follow the link to see links to the previous letters if you wish.

I hope this last post in the series will be well worth your time spent here!  This post is a bit longish but there is a story below (for your entertainment! or not?!). It’s short, just 889 words.  I look forward to hearing your comments!

First, let’s talk “Entertain”.  This might sound silly but, I had to look up this word to express my idea more fully here.  I know, that sounds strange… You can laugh at me, it’s OK, I did!

Seriously, I thought I knew the meaning of “entertain” but when I contemplated it I could only think of humor, smiling, and laughter.  Funny stuff. I was entertained by Grace and Frankie, Gilmore Girls, MASH, Seinfeld, and well…,“yada yada yada”.

Here’s the quick Google search definition:

en·ter·tain verb

  1. provide (someone) with amusement or enjoyment. Synonyms: amuse, divert, delight, please, charm, cheer, interest… This is how I think of entertain – feel good stuff.

  2.  give attention or consideration to (an idea, suggestion, or feeling) Synonyms: consider, give consideration to, contemplate, think about, give thought to…  I hope folks who read my writing will think about or consider what has been presented but if it’s not funny and makes you cry instead of smile is it entertainment?

Clearly, “I write to entertain” is an affirmation more than a reality because my muse has yet to reveal her sense of humor!  Nothing funny about what is flowing through these fingertips.

I hope my stories will give readers something to think about or contemplate – that, I am clear about but, I don’t think I’ve written a funny sentence yet. Is there any humor in there waiting to come out???  I sure hope so but, thus far my muse has only brought forth some seriously serious stuff! OK, sorry, that was not funny.  See what I mean? I don’t know how to write humor.

Are serious stories involving life and death, trauma and tragedy “entertainment” or something else? 

I present to you a story I wrote three days ago.  It was inspired by a happy riding dream – the first one in years where an evil demon horse was not trying to kill me.  When I woke up I thought, “Cool! I’ll write something happy and fun and maybe a joke will emerge!”  NOT.

Clearly my muse had other ideas – this story contains grains of truth, as I believe all good fiction must, but I was not aware of the enormity of meaning in my personal life until I stood on the trail and read the story to a friend.

Here is the story but don’t say I didn’t warn you. A tissue within reach might be a good idea.

Standing on the Precipice Bonnie McKeegan September 2017

Riding that summer day had started out joyful, with that exhilarating sense of adventure I’d become addicted to as a child. My mare, Bella, was bright white with dramatic leopard splotches giving away her Appaloosa heritage at first sight.  The “spirit of the Appy” within her was never in question as she tirelessly carried me on our long sojourns traversing miles of mountain trails near home.

I used to imagine myself a Native American princess traveling by horseback, across lonely mountain ranges, to visit my lover’s tribe miles away.  Always arriving at dusk, welcomed by the wise elder women who were stirring hanging pots of stew, and baking acorn bread on a slab of rock in the fire.  I guess my imagination hadn’t figured out how stew could be cooked in a basket, so I substituted “pots” in my young mind.  

On the day our lives changed, I had started out, as usual, seated comfortably balanced on Bella’s broad back, hugging my legs tighter when we picked up our pace. Her bare back was sweaty beneath my jeans, and I could feel her muscular strength and agility as she navigated rocks and twists in the trail.  She communicated confidence and power through her movements. When I squeezed, she understood my meaning, and we traveled effortlessly across the meadow, my hair blowing back, my own spirit free from earthly worries.  

We were headed for the canyon trail that would take us up-river to our favorite beach.  The river was deep, slow-moving with a sandy bottom up there and I could walk Bella right into the dark emerald green water to cool us both off before plopping down in the sand to soak up the sun. She loved the water and would stop to splash with her hooves and beg to roll before I slid off her back.  Of course, I’d make her wait but only long enough for her to understand who the boss was in our relationship.  Lose the understanding of that hierarchy with your spirited steed? Things are guaranteed to get dicey.

Thinking of her now, as I stand on the precipice, the tears are silently spilling down my face. 

My life lost its meaning that day. Without her as my guide, I’ve been stumbling over rocks, falling, scraping my knees, desperate to get my footing. I’ve been lost, wandering the darkness during daylight and blinded by insomnia at nightfall. I cannot sleep.  I remember restful slumber, but the nightmares haven’t allowed me the peace.

It’s been three years since they hoisted her bloodied and broken body out of the steep river canyon.

Standing on the trail above the ghostly scene below, I remember the wind from the helicopter’s rotating blades whipping my hair around my face so that I was forced to pull it into a ponytail.  The roar of the copter’s engine drowned out the river’s loud rush over huge granite boulders along that narrow stretch of the river. The boulders Bella had tumbled towards the day I forgot who the boss was.  I can still hear her scream.

She spooked. I panicked. All I could do was hang on. We fell. That’s all I know.  I have gone over it in my head a million times.  Spook. Panic. Fall.

Why I panicked, I’ll never understand.  When Bella spooked, I forgot I was supposed to be the boss and control the situation. How could I control it? 1200 pounds of pure equine power and muscle bent on survival. Did you know a horse has two basic defenses? Their fast sprint and deadly hooves.  Sometimes all you can do is hang on for dear life. 

I hung on with my legs, but in my panic, I jerked back on the reins, and it threw Bella off her natural balance.  A horse’s balance is critical to its survival.

If I had just trusted her, she would have made it.  Even in a blind panic, a horse’s instincts for survival are strong, and Bella was damn sure-footed.  My riding friends tell me there’s no way to “know” she would have made it.  They’ve been up there; they know the terrain.  But I know my Bella. She would have carried us to safety.

It is my fault that my mare is dead.  I cannot change what I did in that span of 3 seconds any more than I can stop the sun from setting.

My life ended up here on the side of this mountain. It took three years to summon the courage to return.  “Face your demons,” they said.  Well, here I am, facing mine.  Now what? How do I reconcile my guilt?  My freedom and innocence are lost in this canyon. 

I want to ride across the mountains to arrive at the campfire where my ancestors will welcome me.  I stand on the precipice unsure of my footing. Trust is all I need yet I’ve lost faith in all that I believed.

The echo of her scream haunts me as I slowly turn away from the edge. It is a long walk back, and the sun is hanging low in the sky. By my estimate, I’ll arrive back at the meadow at dusk. I imagine the ancient women there, gathered around the fire with Bella standing quietly nearby, awaiting my return.

It is a lonely trail without my Bella.

Finis

As always, thank you for visiting!  Please feel free to like, share, comment, reblog or follow as your heart desires.  Was the tissue helpful?  

Namaste!

Photos: South Yuba River from the Buttermilk Bend Trail – South Yuba River State Park

 

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The edge of one section of the trail… yes, it’s straight down!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Beautiful pools and granite boulders below the trail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A place to rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Looking upstream from the Buttermilk Bend Trail.  You can see by the color of the granite how high the water was during 2017 massive rains.

4 Replies to “Why I Write Series – The Last E in I.M.M.E.R.S.E. M.E. Entertain”

  1. A heart wrenching story filled with visual pictures of your horse and you and Our loss. Tightly crafted and beautiful to read. Yes, a Kleenex was a good recommendation.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a sad story Bonnie, I felt my stomach twisting as I read it, dreading what was coming, but there is hope at the end of it. I know what you mean about ‘entertain’ – I always think of it as humorous, old style vaudeville entertainers, so I never think of myself as an entertainer, but yes, it is still entertainment, even when it’s sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for commenting and letting me know your reaction Andrea. I am sorry to have turned your stomach dreading what was coming :-(. My friend cried when I read it to her so I had a feeling it was intense – well, I actually had to hold back my own tears while reading it to her…. I am glad to hear the hope came through at the end. Thank you for being here while I explore and continue finding my writing “voice.”
      Namaste

      Liked by 1 person

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